I'm a sex therapist: These 4 things 'quietly kill intimacy'—most of them are 'hiding in plain sight'

Many couples see intimacy as a "nice to have" in relationships. It's sweet when it's there, but not essential. This is especially true after the honeymoon period wears off. As a sex therapist and psychotherapist with over two decades of experience, I'm here to tell you that's wrong.

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. When intimacy breaks down, it doesn't just affect your connection with a partner, it can impact your career, friendships, and physical health. It influences how you lead, communicate, make decisions, and feel about yourself. Clients often come to therapy for stress, anxiety, or performance issues at work, only for us to uncover intimacy gaps as the deeper source of misalignment. 

Intimacy, to bust another myth, is more than just getting laid or knowing the right positions. It's about being open, honest, vulnerable, and real and allowing someone else to be the same with you.

Many of the biggest intimacy blockers are hiding in plain sight. Here are four surprising things that quietly kill intimacy — and what to do about them:

It's tough to connect with someone when your brain is having a love affair with your phone. Even quick glances at notifications can break the emotional flow and send the message: "I'm not fully here."

What to do about it

Ask your partner how they feel when one or both of you are on your phone, laptop, iPad, or other screens. How does it affect your connection? You might be surprised by how much it matters.

Come up with a few simple boundaries together. It could be as simple as designating screen-free zones, like the bedroom and couch, or at specific times, like during meals or before bed. 

I know it may feel like a punishment but I promise it's not! Being present is the foundation of true intimacy. 

Whether you're comparing someone new to your ex or haven't fully processed the end of a past relationship, that lingering attachment can leave little room for connecting with anyone else.

What to do about it

Take an honest look at yourself. Are you still mentally or emotionally entangled with your ex? Closure isn't about forgetting them, it's about reclaiming your energy.

Be kind and give yourself permission to grieve what was lost and reflect on what that relationship taught you. Journal your uncensored thoughts, talk it out with a therapist, or (my old favorite) write a letter to your ex that you won't send. 

If you're holding on to physical reminders such as texts, photos, or gifts, consider letting them go to create space for what's next.

The goal here is to notice how often they're taking up mental real estate, and to practice gently redirecting your focus to what is happening in the here and now. That includes your needs, your growth, and the person in front of you.

You tell yourself they're not interested. You assume you're too much or not enough. Meanwhile, they might be having the same doubts.

These protective thoughts are normal, but unhelpful and may be a little distorted. They can cause us to self-reject before giving intimacy a chance.

What to do about it: 

Start by noticing the thought. When something negative pops up, ask yourself: 

• "Is this fact or fear?" 
• "What's the evidence for this thought?"
• "What's the evidence against it?" 

Just because a thought feels true doesn't mean it is, even if those suckers can be very convincing! One of the most powerful tools from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is learning to evaluate your thoughts instead of accepting them at face value.

Then try reframing. Ask yourself: 

• "What's a more realistic way of thinking about this based on what I actually know?"
• "What would I say to a friend if they were thinking this?"

For example, instead of, "They're probably not into me," the reframe might be: "I'm not sure how they feel yet, and I don't have to figure it out all at once. I can be present and see where this goes."

In sex therapy, we use the dual control model: Every person has "accelerators," or things that turn them on, and "brakes," which are things that shut them down. 

For some people, stress ramps up desire. For others, it's a full stop. If you fall into the latter group, stress from anywhere in your life — your job, a parent's illness, an unexpected bill — might be getting in the way. 

What to do about it

Track your patterns. Do you feel more open or closed off when stressed? Understanding your unique wiring, you can talk to your partner about it in a way that brings you closer.

Try something like: "I've noticed that when I'm overwhelmed, I need to feel supported before I can feel connected. I'm not rejecting you. I'm just maxed out. Helping with dinner or giving me time to reset really helps."

You might want to cuddle on the couch, take a walk, or talk about what's on your mind. Intimacy is more than just sex. Small moments of closeness count.

Be curious about your partner's accelerators and brakes, too. Ask what helps them feel connected, supported, and seen. These conversations don't have to be perfect. They just need to be honest. That kind of exchange is intimacy in action.

Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, A-CBT, CST is the CEO and Clinical Director of Chamin Ajjan Psychotherapy. She completed her undergraduate work at the University of California, Berkeley, and graduate school at Columbia University School of Social Work. She is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who received intensive and rigorous postgraduate training at The Modern Institute for Sex Therapy. She is also the author of "Seeking Soulmate: Ditch The Dating Game and Find Real Connection″ and an expert instructor in CNBC Make It's online course Become an Effective Communicator: Master Public Speaking.

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